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The Taxonomy of the Nerd

by BENJAMIN HALE

I have been using this to entertain people at parties for years, and I’ve finally decided to write it down.  I have to credit my good friend Sam Cooper as the co-creator of this graph. (Check out his band, Horse Feathers.) The very first Nerd Graph was rendered on a napkin at Abo’s Pizza in Boulder, Colorado sometime around the turn of the millennium.

As a nerd, I have always been interested in nerd anthropology. Non-nerds often fail to understand that not all nerds are created equal. In my years of careful observation I have identified four distinct subspecies of nerd. I believe that all nerds can be generally grouped as follows: geek, dork, creep and loser.

They are identifiable along a Cartesian spectrum:

Keep in mind that these are not static categories; any nerd could be represented as a dot somewhere on this graph. The “perfect nerd” (as dubious and elusive as a cryptozoological creature) would be a dot falling exactly at the intersection of all four categories. I will now detail the distinguishing characteristics of each subspecies of nerd.

Geek

Nerds who are both intelligent and social are geeks. The geek is generally the most well-adjusted and successful nerd. His nerdiness usually does not prevent him from, if necessary, “passing” as a non-nerd when interacting with mixed company, although he feels most comfortable in the company of other geeks. I am a geek. Most of my friends are also geeks. But that doesn’t mean we’re not cool. Geeks may, for instance, do drugs.  This does not make them non-nerds.

Identifying characteristics

Obsessive and/or arcane hobbies: photography, backgammon, etc.

Expansive knowledge about a certain subject: for instance, there are music geeks, movie geeks, etc.

Ability to “pass”

Mating habits

Geeks usually have sex with other geeks.  Female heterosexual geeks may have sex with non-nerds, and sometimes male creeps — very rarely with male dorks. Male heterosexual geeks usually only have sex with female geeks, though there are observed instances of male geeks having sex with female dorks. Male geeks also sometimes have sex with non-nerds, but it is observably rarer than with female geeks. However, a relationship between a geek and a non-geek rarely lasts, for at some point the geek’s mask will slip.

Where to find them

Music stores, book stores, liberal arts colleges, graduate programs, “hip” neighborhoods in major metropolitan areas

Quintessential geek

William Jefferson Clinton

Bill Clinton’s ability to “pass” is uncanny, and as for intelligence and sociability, he maxes out both scales.

(Editor’s note: You’ll have to click the link to read the rest of the definitions for dork, creep and loser. I identify with the geek label, if you’re constantly checking up on this site, you’re probably one too.)